May be offensive to some and be considered partison by some.
Spoiler
Financial News - September 20, 2008
Today, the congress of the United States announced the formation of a new agency structure that will serve as a vessel to absorb and safely dispose of illiquid mortgage assets from struggling financial institutions. These assets are clogging the economy and threatening a financial system collapse the likes of which has not been seen since the Great Depression.
The Structured Housing Interest Transition Pipeline & Outlet Team
(SHITPOT) is an Agency of seasoned sub prime mortgage professionals gathered by Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson from the unemployment line to deal with the tsunami of bad mortgages that will flood the newly formed agency in days.
"Getting congress to pass legislation without attaching pork barrel projects was amazing" Paulson noted. "I was amazed when I saw Lehman go down. I was stunned when I saw that the New Kids on the Block reformed and actually sold out concert venues. But nothing has amazed me more than seeing congress get something done in a 48 hour span that will have a positive long reaching implication and historic significance. Imagine if they did this all year long?"
When asked about how they were going to quickly staff SHITPOT given the expected influx of financial instruments that will be classified as "Crippled Residential Assets & Properties" (CRAP), Paulson explained. "We were able to quickly staff the SHITPOT with seasoned sub prime mortgage lending professionals that recently lost their jobs as the housing market began its death spiral. Ironically these are the bastards that benefited from creating CRAP. Now they will have to work with CRAP all day long. Them swimming in CRAP is far better than seeing m collect unemployment checks at tax payer expense. Now they belong to me and the SHITPOT".
While the irony that these mortgage professionals, who will be called Associate Home Overhaul Lending Executives (or A-HOLE's) will fix the problem they profited from is delightful, many citizens will probably cite concern that they didn't do a good job in the first place.
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernake acknowledged the potential concern but quickly provided an answer. "The trick is the training program and getting these guys and gals to not lie when reviewing mortgage files and personal financial statements."
This retraining program requires that new employees of SHITPOT pass a loan review program where not identifying subtle falsehoods in mortgage files will result in a behavior modification exercise that will lead to better attention to detail. The room hushed as Paulson explained.
"That's right Ben. And thanks for finally saying something of substance. Here is an example. Let's say they are reviewing a loan file and it says that the borrower is a waitress in Birmingham that pulls down $200k a year; without tips. If they simply gloss over this data without recognizing it as an obvious lie, one of our instructors hits the A-HOLE with a Taser. Eventually, they get it right and can go to work in the SHITPOT".
As CRAP from Wall Street and distressed construction lenders enters the SHITPOT, the file is reviewed and a workable loan based on a reasonable property value is established. The piece of CRAP that will not be able to be recycled will be fired back as a loss to the current owner.
Paulson noted that he was unconcerned about the legalities of it all.
"Look, CRAP is CRAP. If it has been carved up into tiny pieces through securitization, it is still, at its core, one big piece of CRAP.
If you own a small piece of CRAP that ends up in the SHITPOT and one of my AHOLE's fires a piece back to you? Tough. You'll eat that small piece of CRAP rather than the big piece of CRAP. A small recovery is better than 100% of nothing. So eat CRAP and smile."
Once CRAP is processed through the SHITPOT by an A-HOLE's, a new mortgage security backed by sustainable mortgage cashflow payments will be created and sold through one of the government's newly acquired mortgage subsidiaries Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac. Paulson beemed "The American tax payer will see a nice return on that 79.9% ownership stake we now have in these cash cows".
Today, the congress of the United States announced the formation of a new agency structure that will serve as a vessel to absorb and safely dispose of illiquid mortgage assets from struggling financial institutions. These assets are clogging the economy and threatening a financial system collapse the likes of which has not been seen since the Great Depression.
The Structured Housing Interest Transition Pipeline & Outlet Team
(SHITPOT) is an Agency of seasoned sub prime mortgage professionals gathered by Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson from the unemployment line to deal with the tsunami of bad mortgages that will flood the newly formed agency in days.
"Getting congress to pass legislation without attaching pork barrel projects was amazing" Paulson noted. "I was amazed when I saw Lehman go down. I was stunned when I saw that the New Kids on the Block reformed and actually sold out concert venues. But nothing has amazed me more than seeing congress get something done in a 48 hour span that will have a positive long reaching implication and historic significance. Imagine if they did this all year long?"
When asked about how they were going to quickly staff SHITPOT given the expected influx of financial instruments that will be classified as "Crippled Residential Assets & Properties" (CRAP), Paulson explained. "We were able to quickly staff the SHITPOT with seasoned sub prime mortgage lending professionals that recently lost their jobs as the housing market began its death spiral. Ironically these are the bastards that benefited from creating CRAP. Now they will have to work with CRAP all day long. Them swimming in CRAP is far better than seeing m collect unemployment checks at tax payer expense. Now they belong to me and the SHITPOT".
While the irony that these mortgage professionals, who will be called Associate Home Overhaul Lending Executives (or A-HOLE's) will fix the problem they profited from is delightful, many citizens will probably cite concern that they didn't do a good job in the first place.
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernake acknowledged the potential concern but quickly provided an answer. "The trick is the training program and getting these guys and gals to not lie when reviewing mortgage files and personal financial statements."
This retraining program requires that new employees of SHITPOT pass a loan review program where not identifying subtle falsehoods in mortgage files will result in a behavior modification exercise that will lead to better attention to detail. The room hushed as Paulson explained.
"That's right Ben. And thanks for finally saying something of substance. Here is an example. Let's say they are reviewing a loan file and it says that the borrower is a waitress in Birmingham that pulls down $200k a year; without tips. If they simply gloss over this data without recognizing it as an obvious lie, one of our instructors hits the A-HOLE with a Taser. Eventually, they get it right and can go to work in the SHITPOT".
As CRAP from Wall Street and distressed construction lenders enters the SHITPOT, the file is reviewed and a workable loan based on a reasonable property value is established. The piece of CRAP that will not be able to be recycled will be fired back as a loss to the current owner.
Paulson noted that he was unconcerned about the legalities of it all.
"Look, CRAP is CRAP. If it has been carved up into tiny pieces through securitization, it is still, at its core, one big piece of CRAP.
If you own a small piece of CRAP that ends up in the SHITPOT and one of my AHOLE's fires a piece back to you? Tough. You'll eat that small piece of CRAP rather than the big piece of CRAP. A small recovery is better than 100% of nothing. So eat CRAP and smile."
Once CRAP is processed through the SHITPOT by an A-HOLE's, a new mortgage security backed by sustainable mortgage cashflow payments will be created and sold through one of the government's newly acquired mortgage subsidiaries Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac. Paulson beemed "The American tax payer will see a nice return on that 79.9% ownership stake we now have in these cash cows".