WWTBAM Bored

Not necessarily #23 in priority: Comforting others when they need it

I've known for a long time I'm not very good at it. I've been thinking about it a lot today as I should have been doing some comforting last night for a family member but was not successful. Looking back I didn't even try.

My problem (self diagnosis) is rather than doing the comforting I immediately look to understand the cause of the dismay, the factors, the actions taken (or not), that created the situation where the person is down and needs comforting. Along with root cause analysis I'm also considering solutions and alternatives to resolve the situation. I know there is a time for those two things, but not initially when the person is down. Some may see it as a lack of empathy. I don't think it is. I just want to help fix the situation, now.

I'm a work in progress.

Others I've seen, who are not so good at the comforting thing are more along the "Pull yourself up by the bootstraps, man!" or "You've got no reason to be down, look at the folks in the Sudan!" types. That's not me. I don't try to pick someone up by showing them that their current situation is not that bad compared to others.

BackInTex wrote:Not necessarily #23 in priority: Comforting others when they need it

I've known for a long time I'm not very good at it. I've been thinking about it a lot today as I should have been doing some comforting last night for a family member but was not successful. Looking back I didn't even try.

My problem (self diagnosis) is rather than doing the comforting I immediately look to understand the cause of the dismay, the factors, the actions taken (or not), that created the situation where the person is down and needs comforting. Along with root cause analysis I'm also considering solutions and alternatives to resolve the situation. I know there is a time for those two things, but not initially when the person is down. Some may see it as a lack of empathy. I don't think it is. I just want to help fix the situation, now.

I'm a work in progress.

Others I've seen, who are not so good at the comforting thing are more along the "Pull yourself up by the bootstraps, man!" or "You've got no reason to be down, look at the folks in the Sudan!" types. That's not me. I don't try to pick someone up by showing them that their current situation is not that bad compared to others.

I do think it's an empathy gap, albeit one that's fixable with self-awareness and practice. I myself am a problem-solver both by profession and temperament, so when the shit hits the fan in my own life I turn immediately to a search for solutions. It took me a long time to understand, deep in my gut, that the way some people deal with their initial feelings means that they simply aren't yet ready to search for solutions. The learning process was painful for me, as well as for those around me. --Bob

Sorry about whatever the situation is. It is true, sometimes people don't want advice, just a "I'm sorry. I know you feel bad, We love you." Some of us have had the psychiatrist shingles out for friends in our younger years,
then realized all they wanted was an ear. I think as we age we get more results focused.
Watching grandbabes has helped me realize a hug and smooches are enough sometimes.

I think this is one of those "gender" things that we all try to not acknowledge.

Inherently, men are 'fixers'. Women are consolers. Not always, but in the long run.

For example, a bad work situation. Men, mostly, offer advise on how to proceed with addressing the situation, making moves to find another job, or other active actions. Women will, mostly, sit and agree with the feelings about the situation, support the other's viewpoint, or other emotional support, and offer advice if asked.

Not always, but mostly

In this situation, if you know you are a 'fixer', step back a bit, and wait for a request for advice. Simply tell the person that you are sorry they are going through this, and that you are there for them. If they then ask,'what would you do", then you can go to town.

a1mamacat wrote:I think this is one of those "gender" things that we all try to not acknowledge.

Inherently, men are 'fixers'. Women are consolers. Not always, but in the long run.

For example, a bad work situation. Men, mostly, offer advise on how to proceed with addressing the situation, making moves to find another job, or other active actions. Women will, mostly, sit and agree with the feelings about the situation, support the other's viewpoint, or other emotional support, and offer advice if asked.

Not always, but mostly

In this situation, if you know you are a 'fixer', step back a bit, and wait for a request for advice. Simply tell the person that you are sorry they are going through this, and that you are there for them. If they then ask,'what would you do", then you can go to town.

I almost included the gender thing. I think you're right, but mostly with younger sorts. I do think I became more "so what can we do to fix this" the older I got, maybe because of work or kids getting older. I dunno.

BackInTex wrote:Not necessarily #23 in priority: Comforting others when they need it

I've known for a long time I'm not very good at it. I've been thinking about it a lot today as I should have been doing some comforting last night for a family member but was not successful. Looking back I didn't even try.

My problem (self diagnosis) is rather than doing the comforting I immediately look to understand the cause of the dismay, the factors, the actions taken (or not), that created the situation where the person is down and needs comforting. Along with root cause analysis I'm also considering solutions and alternatives to resolve the situation. I know there is a time for those two things, but not initially when the person is down. Some may see it as a lack of empathy. I don't think it is. I just want to help fix the situation, now.

I'm a work in progress.

Others I've seen, who are not so good at the comforting thing are more along the "Pull yourself up by the bootstraps, man!" or "You've got no reason to be down, look at the folks in the Sudan!" types. That's not me. I don't try to pick someone up by showing them that their current situation is not that bad compared to others.

You're an INTP. Most people in tech are. If you were something else you might have a different career.

Bob Juch wrote: You're an INTP. Most people in tech are. If you were something else you might have a different career.

Close, always came out ENTP

BackInTex wrote:

Bob Juch wrote: You're an INTP. Most people in tech are. If you were something else you might have a different career.

Close, always came out ENTP

I just wrapped up two days of CCE (continuing clerk education) classes, where we were color-coded (this decade's Myers-Briggs). I'm very green. I think you're probably green, as well, or maybe gold. I actually got a lot more out of it this go-round, and plan to have my office color-coded, then provide mandatory name tags that are colored with their corresponding colors as a visual reminder of how best to communicate with them.

tlynn78 wrote:

BackInTex wrote:

Bob Juch wrote: You're an INTP. Most people in tech are. If you were something else you might have a different career.

Close, always came out ENTP

I just wrapped up two days of CCE (continuing clerk education) classes, where we were color-coded (this decade's Myers-Briggs). I'm very green. I think you're probably green, as well, or maybe gold. I actually got a lot more out of it this go-round, and plan to have my office color-coded, then provide mandatory name tags that are colored with their corresponding colors as a visual reminder of how best to communicate with them.

snort

Beebs52 wrote:

tlynn78 wrote:

BackInTex wrote:
Close, always came out ENTP

I just wrapped up two days of CCE (continuing clerk education) classes, where we were color-coded (this decade's Myers-Briggs). I'm very green. I think you're probably green, as well, or maybe gold. I actually got a lot more out of it this go-round, and plan to have my office color-coded, then provide mandatory name tags that are colored with their corresponding colors as a visual reminder of how best to communicate with them.

snort

You are so not blue.

BackInTex wrote:

Bob Juch wrote: You're an INTP. Most people in tech are. If you were something else you might have a different career.

Close, always came out ENTP

Which is what I am.

a1mamacat wrote:I think this is one of those "gender" things that we all try to not acknowledge.

Inherently, men are 'fixers'. Women are consolers. Not always, but in the long run.

For example, a bad work situation. Men, mostly, offer advise on how to proceed with addressing the situation, making moves to find another job, or other active actions. Women will, mostly, sit and agree with the feelings about the situation, support the other's viewpoint, or other emotional support, and offer advice if asked.

Not always, but mostly

In this situation, if you know you are a 'fixer', step back a bit, and wait for a request for advice. Simply tell the person that you are sorry they are going through this, and that you are there for them. If they then ask,'what would you do", then you can go to town.

This is very difficult for both genders. I took a mediation seminar about a million years ago, and one of the parts was about not trying to fix the problem the person is telling you about. They paired us up, and I launched into what a tough time I was having and how tired I was because I was working full time, going to class, keeping up with homework, and housesitting a friend's pets and plants while she was out of town. She immediately launched into a litany of "can't you do this" and "won't this work" and "try this." She did almost word for word what the seminar presenters told us not to do -- she tried to fix the problem instead of empathizing and providing a shoulder to cry on. I tried to gently point that out, and she got defensive and decamped in a huff.