Blonde joke: You've been warned

[ne1410s]

A blonde and her husband have been trying to sleep for hours but the neighbors' dog won't stop barking. Finally the blonde says I'm going to take care of this. She is gone for about 5 minutes but the barking continues. When she returns to bed the husband says I thought you were going to take care of that dog. The blonde says I did: I put him in our backyard. Now let's see how THEY like it!

[dumblond]

If I don't get this joke, does that mean I'm not a psychopath?

[MarleysGh0st]

If I don't get this joke, does that mean I'm not a psychopath?

Among other things.





I actually like your solution to the geometry problem!

[NellyLunatic1980]

I actually like your solution to the geometry problem!

Just curious: When dumblond fills out a job application and the line says "Sign Here", what does she write--a road sign or a zodiac sign?

[Bob Juch]

I actually like your solution to the geometry problem!

Just curious: When dumblond fills out a job application and the line says "Sign Here", what does she write--a road sign or a zodiac sign?

Her sign of the zodiac.

She also puts "Yes" under sex.

[Beebs52]

So, here's real-life blondjokiness involving a genuinely reblonded me, my hub and friends.

College friend and hub, who just retired (!?!) and are traveling around, stayed with us last night and will later this weekend. I met them and Jeff at a restaurant after a bored meeting last night. When I got there and sat down Jeff asked me if I'd like some chocolate cake. Um, no. I'd prefer a salad, actually. Whatever.

Later, he referenced Chocolata, a chocolate emporium/restaurant down the way, asking if I wanted anything from it. What? Well, no. It's 9 PM, we're visiting, I'm not a desserty-mood person. Whatever.

After we entered the house upon arriving home Jeff asked if I'd like a piece of candy. NO! I would NOT! What the hell are asking me these weird questions for?!?

We all went outside to solve the probs of the world for awhile and it finally became clear what all the candy refs were. He'd led our friends to believe that I was on the chocolate candy diet and had lost 40 pounds over the past year eating only candy. He had told them this because I'd piled all the Valentine candy boxes and leftover Christmas candy into a huge bowl on top of the island while douching the kitchen. It's a LARGE bowl of candy. He'd told them that if I ordered a salad in the restaurant it was only because I was self-conscious and didn't want to appear too weird. Me? Weird? Pshaw.

All night they thought I'd been on the candy diet. And now that I think about it--40 POUNDS?!?! We laughed so hard that I think I blew my back out. But it certainly established that they, as well as I, are blonds.

[tlynn78]

A dumb man story:

Only a man would do this! ~


Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a "Pocket Taser" for their anniversary submitted this story.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
adequate time to retreat to safety ... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
Triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.


Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two Triple-A batteries, right? There I
sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed
to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect her self against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy Triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning
that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all
that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of
it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!%

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in
my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I
had never heard before, licking
my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would
be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-B--CH - that hurt like hell! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits
(what little I had left) sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there? My
triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles and offering a significant reward for
their safe return.

[Beebs52]

Tgirl-that made me blow my back out again! omg

[NellyLunatic1980]

Have I told ya'll the story before about the blonde girl who bought a 50-pound bag of manure at K-Mart and then returned it cuz the bag was full of cow s**t?